Category Archives: Random Musings

Human Instinct and Oreos

English: Two regular Oreo cookies. Please chec...

English: Two regular Oreo cookies. Please check my Wikimedia User Gallery for all of my public domain works. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Tonight, I conducted a highly important scientific study.  I determined, without a shred of doubt, that how Oreo cookies are eaten is part of human instinct.

Roz had Oreo cookies for only the second time in her life tonight.  Prior to her first experiences with Oreos, she had not previously seen us eat them.  Still, she knew exactly how to eat them.  You begin by separating the two parts of the cookies, then eating the creamy filling.  Then, you get rid of the rest of the cookie and start again.

She did eventually eat the rest of the cookie.  I poured her some milk, because we all know it’s against the law to eat Oreos without milk.  The second she saw me pouring the milk, she instinctively knew that you must dip your Oreo in the milk.  She took the rest of the cookie, dipped them, and quickly ate them down.

I believe this highly controlled, scientific study speaks for itself.  Humans are clearly born knowing how to eat Oreo cookies.

How My Dog Doesn’t Help With Child-Rearing

The two buddies found something interesting outside.

The two buddies found something interesting outside.

I’m very happy to have a dog in my home, especially as I’m raising my daughter.  There are so many wonderful benefits to having a dog.  He cleans up when my daughter spills food.  He’s a constant friend for her.  He could help prevent her from developing allergies.   Still, there are times when having both a dog and a toddler makes life a bit more difficult that it would otherwise be.  Here are six ways that my dog doesn’t help out around the house.

 

6. The dog is oblivious.  This isn’t necessarily a bad quality.  It took my dog almost two months to realize we had a new baby in the house.  He never got upset by crying, crawling, screaming, drooling, etc.  In fact, he really only seems to notice the toddler when she’s got food in her hands (see #4).  The problem with his obliviousness comes when he gets excited about something, generally food or a walk.  He’ll run through the room, not really paying attention to any obstacles.  This includes our toddler.  We’ve become very good at grabbing her and making sure she’s out of harm’s way, but sometimes that greyhound is just too quick.

 

5.  The dog and the toddler like to help Mommy with her yoga.  At 5-ish months pregnant, I’m trying to take care of myself a little bit, for the benefit of the new arrival.  It’s hard to do yoga when Downward Facing Dog results in a toddler butt in your face.  It’s hard to do yoga when there’s a dog lying on your yoga mat.  It’s harder to do yoga when you have both at once.

 

4.  The toddler carries food around at dog-face height.  The dog loves food.  He’s been foolish enough to steal food from me, when pregnant.  A pregnant Science Momma does not share food happily!  Fortunately, the toddler has learned some very fancy sidesteps to avoid having her food stolen.

 

3.  The dog does not help the toddler learn animal noises.  Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t expect my dog to sit down with the toddler and tell her, “Cows say ‘moo’.”  The problem shows itself when we ask the toddler what dogs say.  She responds with a high-pitched whine.  This is a breed-specific problem.  Our large, 80-lb male greyhound does, indeed, cry like a little baby.

 

2.  The dog likes to shake off in front of the toddler’s bedroom door.  With loud, jingly tags.  Right after I put her down to bed.

 

1. The toddler circles around before lying down.  At least she doesn’t feel the need to dig up/tear up the bed.

A Scientific Hypothesis on the Cuteness of Toddlers

Shirt cocking flap?

See?  Random person without pants = creepy!

I think I’ve figured out why my daughter, 1 1/2 years old,  is so cute.  It’s an evolutionary protection, a way to keep her safe.

You see, if my daughter wasn’t so cute, she’d have been out on the street eons ago.  But that cuteness makes me adore all the crazy, messed-up, asshole-y stuff she does.  If toddlers, such as my Roz, weren’t cute, there’s no way adult humans would put up with all their crap and craziness.

Here are a few examples of things that my daughter can do, and get away with, because she’s cute, that would have me calling 9-1-1 on anyone else:

1. Running around without pants.

Like many toddlers/babies/young children, my daughter absolutely hates pants.   They are, in her opinion, the devil incarnate.  She is much happier running around in just a diaper (although, even the diaper can be too much at times).  With the obvious exception of women in skirts or dresses, I prefer most people in my home to be wearing pants.

2. Eating.

As a cute young thing, back in the day, my parents instilled rather strict table manners upon my siblings and me.  Things such as “Don’t talk with your mouth full,” “Chew your food before swallowing,” and “No pet porcupines at the table,” were very common.  Because of this, I’ve become very unaccepting of sub-par table manners.  Loud chewing is my most ultimate pet peeve.  And yet, when my daughter loudly smacks her lips, proclaims “Num num!” and poops in order to make room for more food, I can’t help but be flattered that someone thinks so highly of my cooking.  Anyone else would be asked, impolitely, to leave.

3.  Personal space.

My daughter is at a stage where she is very interested in body parts.  She will point to noses, and proudly declare, “Nose!”  She has mostly taken an interest in belly buttons.  This wouldn’t be a problem, but it results in shirts being lifted up much higher than most women would be comfortable with.  Uncute stranger on the street lifting up my shirt = pepper spray.  Adorable toddler on the couch lifting up my shirt = big hug.

4. Whining

Like several toddlers in the world, my daughter whines occasionally.  Having not yet fully mastered either the English or Mandarin languages, she must resort to gestures and incoherent sounds.  She’s easy to interpret- if she wants her water, for example, she’ll whine and reach for her water.  But it’s still not fun listening to whining.  Her cuteness negates about 90% of her whininess.  Anyone else would have an eye-roll thrown their way before being ignored.  Baby Roz gets whatever thing Her Royal Cuteness desires.

Menstruation and the Media

Apparently, I’m not as much of a feminist as I had thought.  The new big thing I’ve been seeing (and maybe it’s just me and the circles I’ve fallen in to) is pictures of women with menstrual blood.  The point of these depictions is that women shouldn’t be ashamed of menstruation, they should be proud of this uniquely female process, yada yada yada.

I’m not swayed.  Also, I don’t like the guilt being thrown onto other women who DON’T want the world to know they’re on their period.  Here’s my reasoning:

I don’t really think women are trying to hide the fact that they menstruates so much as we don’t want to be covered in blood and other stuff.  I don’t want blood running down my legs in general.  I don’t want people to know when I’m on my period, either.  Just like how I don’t want urine and feces running down my legs, I don’t want the whole world to be aware of when I pee or poop!  Plus, there’s the whole fact that this is blood we’re talking about.  Blood is a potentially biohazardous material.  So, yea, let’s not get that everywhere, please.  Not to mention the fact that the only thing that I want people to see that has come out of my vagina is my daughter.  And she’s not biohazardous (I think).

Does that make me un-feminist?  Am I bowing down to our male-dominated society by not being “proud” of my menstruations?  I’m not saying we should be ashamed of our periods.  I’m just saying I really don’t like this new trend of “art”.

Happy Mother’s Day!

This year marks my second Mother’s Day. Last year’s came upon my very quickly- my daughter was exactly one month old on Mother’s Day. My husband gave me the sweetest card, which brought tears to my eyes. It may have actually just been hormones, and not the card, that caused the tears, but we’ll still give him credit for it. He deserves it.

This Mother’s Day, I’ve had a lot more time to think. I’ve been able to think about how incredibly, insanely lucky I am. I have the most amazing daughter. Everything about her is perfect. She’s sweet, loving, smart, beautiful, an amazing snuggler, and independent. But that’s not what makes me consider myself lucky. I’m lucky because I live in this era. I live in a time with vaccines and antibiotics and a strong (albeit imperfect) understanding of the human body. These make me happy.  While preparing for my new job teaching microbiology to nursing students, I stumbled across a terrifying fact: in the early 1900s, 1 out 3 children died from infectious disease by the age of 5.

One. Out of three. From infectious disease. There are three people in my home, currently. That statistic implies that one of us would not have survived to our 5th birthday, barring any other potential cause of death, like impalement on a tractor. Very not cool. After meeting my daughter, I couldn’t imagine the horror of losing a child. I know some very amazing women who had to go through that heartbreak. Watching them bury their sons was hell enough; I couldn’t stand burying my own.

One out of fuckin’ three. It still hits me like a sack of bricks coated in lead surrounding a black hole. You know what, though? That’s not a problem anymore. We have vaccines that save lives by the millions. We have antibiotics and other medical technology. I am, without a doubt, the luckiest Mother to ever live.

 

So thank you, Louis Pasteur.  Thank you, Drs. Sabin and Saulk.  Thank you every scientist who has contributed to protecting my daughter from these tiny pests.

 

Thank you.

April is…

Adopt a Greyhound Month!  That’s right!  April is super-duper ultra special.  Besides being Earth Month, and hosting Real Diaper Week, April is Adopt a Greyhound Month!  This has special meaning to me, since I have the awesomest greyhound on Earth!  He was adopted in February, but still, April is a good month.

Anyway, to learn more about what wonderful, super-duper awesome companions greyhounds are, please talk to any rescue group near you!  Also, the Greyhounds Only website offers tons and tons and tons and tons of “greyt” information on greyhounds in the home.

 

While fast and athletic, greyhounds can be extremely lazy, sleeping about 18 hours a day.  Seriously.  18 hours a day.  How I envy my Kiba!  But that’s okay, because greyhounds are sweet, loving companions.  So, let’s celebrate April!  Recycle!  Adopt a Greyhound!

 

 

Real Diaper Week

It’s April!  That means it’s Earth Month!  The one month of the year when lots of people think about the environment, which culminates in Earth Day, when everyone thinks about the environment (for a little while, at least).

It also means that this week is Real Diaper Week.  This is a week that promotes the use of cloth diapers, and culminates in the Great Cloth Diaper Change, on Sunday, April 21st.  The Great Cloth Diaper Change will attempt to set a world record for the most babies put into a cloth diaper at one time.  Or something like that.  Anyway, check out the link above to find a location near you.  Even if you don’t cloth diaper, it will be a great chance to talk to other mamas about the pros and cons and neutral of cloth diapering.

Happy Pooping!